Rejecting The False Notion That Grown-Up Books Are Grunge And Mope

Just because it sucks doesn't mean it's mature.

We men of the Bradley coat-of-arms have always been readers, despite our varied interests and career paths. My older brother, for example, has a doctorate in political philosophy from an esteemed graduate school on the West Coast, while I possess a CDL from a fly-by-night trucking school in Las Vegas that is no longer open. We both read a massive amount of books each year.

But when he takes time off to endure a Latin course at an adjunct university in Ireland so he can read western philosophy in its original languages, I’m powering through novels about Doc Holliday and Teddy Roosevelt using steampunk science against an Indian spirit demon in Arizona. From time to time we catch each other up on our reading, and share a sensible chuckle over the other’s preferred texts.

As might be expected, we make suggestions to each other on what to read, and thus he has delved into series such as Mistborn or The Grimnoir Chronicles, and I’ve grabbed riveting texts on things like the history of salt.

For years he’s been a huge fan of a book club podcast, I forget which one, to the extent that he’s shown up to retreats in person with other listeners so they can pontificate endlessly about whatever boring stuff these people value in modern literature. I tried listening to a few episodes of the show years ago and it about drove me mad.

The fact is that popular podcasts (and YouTube channels and social media accounts) that focus on book recommendations are by-and-large pushing terrible books for the common man. Books that navel-gaze, or revel in nihilism, or ultimately leave you feeling drained of the optimism that you’d much rather have.

I was reminded of this recently when Doctor Bradley sent me an Instagram reel from a book-pimping account, run by a kid who is both a He and a Him (thanks for the clarification, dude), making Big Grown Up Recommendations for readers who liked popular series in their youth. You know, like “Hey if you enjoyed Harry Potter, read X, and if you enjoyed Percy Jackson, read Y.”

The Doctor asked me if I knew any of the titles and whether they were good.

I told him I would have to write an email.

Later I realized I had actually written a piece for Upstream, and thus, here it is.

The video started simple: if you liked HARRY POTTER, you should try THE NAME OF THE WIND (Patrick Rothfuss.)

Sure, you could do this, if what you want is an epic fantasy about an orphan who goes to magic school, sprinkled with cleverly disguised analogues for high tuition rates, used car salesmen, drug dealers who have military-grade weaponry, and more.

Just be prepared for a sequel that is literally twice as long as the first book, with an aggressive, hard left turn into sexuality, as the main character discovers male birth control and is suddenly god-tier in bed. The frequently sigh-inducing text of the first (and only) two books in this “series” is not the primary obstacle to its enjoyment, though: that rests solely on the shoulders of Patrick Rothfuss himself.

If you haven’t heard, the guy isn’t writing the third book. Sure, he wants you to think he is. He even wants you to invest in it. Put some money up for charity and he’ll release the first chapter. He’s definitely got it! After all, it’s been eleven years since the last book came out. (Coincidentally the same span of time since George R. R. Martin released another Ice And Fire installment.) He’s had time to write, so it must exist!

What’s this? You raised hundreds of thousands of dollars and gave it to charity in Rothfuss’ name, expecting the release of the next chapter in the series? Ha ha! Whoopsie! He doesn’t have it at the moment. He’s very busy being a streamer of some sort on the Internet. He’ll post it soon though guys, for real, it’s totally been written.

1,842 pages of dour poverty and constant nut-kicks to the main character, who is no closer to his goal at the end of book 2 than he was at the start of book 1, and you’ll never know how it ends. By all means, jump in. Revel in the childlike joy.

Next: if you liked PERCY JACKSON, you should try AMERICAN GODS (Neil Gaiman.)

Setting aside that Neil Gaiman is one of the most overrated writers of our time— if not the most— all that AMERICAN GODS has in common with Percy Jackson is the presence of old deities.

Percy is the plucky, upbeat child of a single mom. He struggles admirably with ADD and dyslexia, which, it turns out, are really just demigod battle instincts and the ability to read ancient Greek, because his mom banged Poseidon! This means Percy gets to go to Hogwarts I MEAN WHOOPS “Camp Half-Blood”!

(In all seriousness these were fun books, and I read them in my 20s.)

How does Gaiman’s protagonist stack up? Well, he’s an ex-con named Shadow who is definitely a realistic person and probably even has a personality around here somewhere. He gets out of prison only to find that his wife died in a car accident when she was coming to pick him up. Aw, sad! Wait, what’s this? It turns out she was performing oral sex on his best friend, the driver, as she exited this mortal coil! That’s because this book is for grown-ups, you understand? Anyway, Shadow soon gets to work for the Norse god Odin, cleverly disguised as “Mr. Wednesday,” because whatever.

Now quick, let’s cut to another character somewhere else, who gets ripped apart after intercourse with a succubus, by tentacles that come flying out of her nethers. You will FEEL the maturity! (It feels sticky.)

If you liked NARNIA, you should try THE MAGICIANS (Lev Grossman.)

These two books are comparable because they’re about normies who discover a portal to a fantasy world, isekai-style.

One is “just” a heavy-handed allegory for naughty kids who learn lessons from a Jesus lion.

The other is post-modernist nihilism about a guy who goes to magic school, finds out it sucks, uses time travel to change some stuff, and becomes The King Of Everything at the end.

The most damning thing I can say about THE MAGICIANS is that it won a Hugo in the 21st Century.

If you liked THE HUNGER GAMES, you should try RED RISING (Pierce Brown.)

I actually agree with this, and RED RISING is an incredible book. Read the first three in that series.

And ONLY read the first three. Books 4 and 5 fall right into the same pointless dour negativity as the others on this list.

And finally, if you liked REDWALL, you should try THE BUILDERS (Daniel Polanksy.)

I’ve only ever heard of REDWALL, never picked it up. I am given to understand that the main characters are all mice. THE BUILDERS has that in common with it. I tried to read it recently, and bailed at the scene where a swashbuckling rat went to a tavern and had a fat guinea pig prostitute make a pass at him.

Maybe the rest of the book got better. I was eye-rolling too hard to try.

CONCLUSION

“Critics who treat 'adult' as a term of approval, instead of as a merely descriptive term, cannot be adult themselves. To be concerned about being grown up, to admire the grown up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are the marks of childhood and adolescence. And in childhood and adolescence they are, in moderation, healthy symptoms. Young things ought to want to grow. But to carry on into middle life or even into early manhood this concern about being adult is a mark of really arrested development. When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.”

―C.S. Lewis

Heroes don’t go away just because you turned 18 and had to get a job. Yes, adulthood regularly puts you in contact with hardships that you got to avoid as a youth, and while those hardships tend to absorb most of your time and energy, they aren’t the endgame of your adult life. The few moments that you get to peel yourself away from the grind and read a book should not be sullied by those same heavy things.

You can find better fiction. It’s out there. We’re bringing it to you right here on Upstream. Smarter, more fun, more heroic, and ultimately, more worthy of your time. We are here. We are waiting.