Waiting For The Knock

TorSwats, a debtor's exam, and the sad last stand of Patrick S. Tomlinson's hollow crusade.

Patrick S. Tomlinson’s online activity has been a tragicomedic embarrassment of riches for the better part of a decade now. At one time, he was in demand; not only did Tomlinson have several well-reviewed novels published in the wake of Trump’s election in 2016, it seemed Pat could find a byline at any number of websites. The Hill, the New York Times, Tor.com, and U.S. News & World Report among others, all once invited him onto their mastheads to expound on issues ranging from national politics to pop culture to gun policy.

The apex of his relevancy came in October of 2017, when the viral “abortion argument” tweet hit. A tweet so famous, its online presence so pervasive, the likes of Ben Shapiro actually deigned to offer a response. Pat was lauded by everyone from the UK Independent to Salon, being showered with accolades by the toast of the commentariat.

Really take this in. Savor it. Because it’s all downhill from here. And trust me, wherever you think this is going to end, you’re likely wrong. We probably all will be.

Do You Think Norm’s Funny Now?

Then The Thing happened (I’m not recapping the whole melodrama here). After being handed a bill for legal fees to the tune of over $23,000 (+10% interest annually—follow the real time ticker here!), Tomlinson did what he thought was the only logical thing and proceeded to deny that he owed anyone so much as a penny, repeatedly for nearly a year now, despite court records saying otherwise. The judgement was decided in California, and perhaps it seeming a world away made Tomlinson not take it seriously. On he went, continuing to tweet pictures of badly cobbled together home projects, go to Brewers games, take international vacations, give talks to empty rooms at cons and not publish any books.

In May of 2020 the first SWATting happened, and they would keep happening. Each time, Pat would take to Twitter to heap indignant scorn on his “cyberstalkers” and direct snide sarcasm towards the efforts of the Milwaukee Police Department. By July of 2022 they were occurring so often Pat actually got up the courage to scream at a (female) police officer:

The SWATtings were something of a mystery to many who were following the drama: many on Tomlinson’s own Twitter feed often asked why he would continually give attention to it. Tomlinson insisted both on social media and in interviews that not doing so would “let the idiots win”. Suspicion naturally fell to the many trolls that seemed to delight in his squealing, predominantly members of the OnA Forums (the targets of the failed lawsuit) and Kiwi Farms (trigger warnings: all).

Various admins and members on both sites have vehemently denied involvement over the years, which eventually lead to some wondering if Tomlinson was somehow doing it to himself. This theory was usually quickly discarded as Tomlinson, who graduated high school with a 1.2 GPA, possesses the same amount of knowledge of how to get away with such a complex crime as he does the willpower to regularly exercise. And so the cycle would turn; Tomlinson would get SWATted, milk it for all it was worth on Twitter for internet asspats, then return to not writing.

Fast forward to this year, already chock full of Tomlinson antics:

• A trailer for an upcoming YouTube documentary about his legal escapades was released.

• A legal motion to impose Tomlinson’s debt had been filed, bringing its enforcement right to his doorstep (it’s a duplex, look it up).

• An arrest record was discovered from 2011 in which he threatened to wait until his daughter was born so he could kill her in front of his (now thankfully ex) wife.

• His mugshot from said arrest is, rather embarrassingly, one of the best photos ever found of him:

  

  2011 was a different time . . . and BMI.

It’s been hard to imagine what could possibly top the current parade of humiliation that has occurred in just the past four months.

But we may just have something.

As of a few nights ago, as Patrick was dealing with four SWATs in one day, (bringing the total to 30) and just as his legal debt was now rounding the corner on $52,000, screenshots surfaced alleging to be from Torswats, the swatting-as-service Telegram channel recently profiled by VICE:

If these screenshots are real, it would appear as though Patrick Tomlinson paid a notorious SWATter on Telegram to make calls to the Milwaukee PD dozens of times in hopes of provoking them into legally actionable behavior so he could then sue them.

This was the plan of a man who regularly takes to Twitter to demean the intelligence of past presidents and captains of industry.

An Inability to Face Reality

Tomlinson has so far denied that he has ever had either a Telegram account or a crypto wallet, and places the blame for what’s been happening on the “cyberstalking cult” that he claims has been harassing him.

However:

He’s claimed he doesn’t owe money from the lawsuit. That’s a lie.

He claims there isn’t a lien on his house. That’s a lie.

He claims the police report detailing his threats against his ex-wife and then-unborn daughter don’t say what is clearly stated in plain, procedural black and white language. That’s obviously a goddamned lie.

Detail of the 2011 police report linked above released by the Portage, WI PD.

The discovery of the arrest from 2011, in my estimation at least, cements that Tomlinson has always been manifestly incapable of any ability to accept the consequences of his actions. He could have brokered a payment plan, gotten a part time minimum wage job and had the original amount from the lawsuit paid in little over a year. Instead, he keeps publicly and absurdly claiming that he somehow wasn’t responsible for the debt. He tells people there is no lien on his house. That the police report doesn’t say what it says, that the SWATtings are the efforts of a deranged cult of rascals who are simply targeting him for not liking Norm MacDonald.

Tomlinson has a sociopathic ability to deny bald-faced reality as easily as he belabouredly breathes.

There are claims going around on social media that Tomlinson now faces a debtor’s exam on April 19; if that’s true, the resulting body cavity search of his finances will very likely reveal whether or not he really does possess a crypto wallet; if he does, it’s then a matter of corroborating amounts paid to the dates of various SWATtings. And if it is in fact found that he was involved in all of this . . . well, I’ll let Wisconsin’s laws on swatting speak for themselves:

Section 947.014 states:
(2) Whoever, knowing the information is false, intentionally conveys, or causes to be conveyed, any false information that an emergency exists is guilty of a Class I felony if the information elicits, or could elicit, a response from a specialized tactical team.

(3) Whoever violates sub. (2) is guilty of a Class H felony if the violation resulted in bodily harm to any person or a Class E felony if the violation resulted in great bodily harm to any person.

For context, a Class I felony carries a maximum penalty of 3.5 years in prison, $10,000 in fines, or both. A Class H felony carries a maximum penalty of 6 years in prison, $10,000 in fines, or both. Hope you enjoyed that trip to Mexico, Pat.

The coming days will be a watershed moment in the bizarre downfall of a man whose sausagelike fingers briefly got a touch of fame, however niche. A man who played the part of actual tough guy, rare centrist conservative, and genre-defining novelist who combined humor in the vein of Douglas Adams with white-knuckle action. A man who was in fact none of these things, but desperately needed to maintain the façade. Pat Tomlinson will be in the end, simply a man with responsibilities, as all men have. But one’s willingness to take those responsibilities squarely on, however humbling their carrying out may be, is what ultimately makes the measure of that man. As such, as a father, and as a writer at least, he is a man found wanting.

Fools may yet be made of us all. And if that happens, I’ll be the first to write a public apology. But given a long view of things, it’s not the outcome I’m personally betting on. Wait for the knock, Pat. Fatly. Fatly is key.