#BookReview: Dirty Water, by Tom Kratman

Tom Kratman takes a walk down memory lane and turns it into Hogan's Alley

We here at Upstream Reviews had considered that we were going to be on hiatus until

October.

But you know what? I’m impatient. I’m thinking we’re back.

So, let’s start.

Every year, twice a year, we are besieged with Christmas movies, courtesy of the Hallmark channel.

This year, we get a Christmas novel: a time traveling tale of an older man who goes back to the hometown of his youth, to share with his grandchildren just how much better it really was back then. Along the way, he finds new love, and has to wrestle with what he’s going to do for it…

But before he can attend to that, our hero is going to have to go to war with Whitey Bulger and the Boston mob, and destroy an alien that’s one part Pennywise the Clown, and one part the alien from I Come in Peace.

Because this book is brought to you by Tom Kratman and Baen. It must end in fire.

(In the interest of honesty, this was a complimentary eARC from Baen. This does not influence our review, because if we didn’t like it, we would have just not reviewed it. But it means you can read the review now)

The Story

During a heartwarming trip to ye olde stomping grounds of Boston, Sean Eisen wants to introduce his grandkids to what’s left of the town he grew up in. During a visit to the old neighborhood toy store (now a massage parlor) his youngest grandchild discovers (and falls into) a portal that takes her back to 1965.

In relatively short order, Eisen comes up with a plan. Eisen can take the grandkids back to the Boston he grew up in. And, at the same time, he can develop a nest egg: First, play the horses, then play the markets, then put away a nest egg for the grandchildren in the years to come.

But when Whitey Bulger figures Eisen has rigged the betting system, and may be muscling in on his territory, it’s an all out war.

And then the aliens showed up and added their own problems to the party.

Dirty Water is so well written, it’s truly difficult to know where to begin. The writing is excellent. Kratman has always felt like a culmination of all the best aspects of great literature. While the opening of Dirty Water reads almost like a travelogue, it may be simply that Kratman was trying to rush through to get to the good parts. Since the book is 416 pages, I don’t blame him. But the ride to get there is enjoyable every step of the way.

I am not being insulting when I compare this to a Hallmark Christmas film. While the opening is heartwarming, and there truly are a lot of “Christmas” moments throughout the book, this is a Christmas novel written by a brilliant writer and someone who is obviously an adult, not some insipid has-been or never-was over at A Certain Cable Channel.

When I say Kratman is brilliant, I am not exaggerating it. Just looking at his characters and you can see the author’s mind at work. Everyone is playing chess at some level. Our hero Eisen (and Kratman) has thought through every aspect of his plan into the past. The team into the past needs money with the correct dates on it. Eisen and his grandchildren need 60s era clothing, so they get a Sears catalog of the day … until they realize that those catalogs were regional, and Spring in Texas doesn’t help with Winter in Boston. (Sorry, Bahstan.)

Like Timothy Zahn’s Icarus series, Eisen makes deductions and conclusions, and plans accordingly. Unlike Zahn, Kratman will show you the character thinking through every step along the way. Zahn is working with the Sherlock Holmes school of keeping the audience in a state of tension by not telling the reader everything. Kratman’s characters have more than enough problems just trying to outmaneuver Boston mobsters, as well as a cosmic horror along the way.

If there is any quibble with Dirty Water, it’s that you might find yourself slightly disoriented until the pieces come together. If you remember Tom Clancy novel The Sum of All Fears, Clancy goes on for pages about a Japanese sequoia meant for a temple in the United States, and the reader has no idea why this is important … until it falls off its cargo ship and nearly starts World War III by almost hitting a nuclear submarine. So, be patient, everything will come together.

The Characters

Sean Eisen is described as an older Boston native, with a German last name in the middle of Irish Boston… I’m sure this has nothing to do with Tom Kratman, who is the same.

Okay, I’m certain that Eisen is a bit of a self-insert character to some degree, but he has none of the Mary Sue characteristics one would expect. Eisen is a calculating planner, who dissects his own plans from every angle. And then he usually gets hit with something he doesn’t see coming.

We also have several other POV characters, from the youngest grandchild to Francesca, a 1960s native caught up in the insanity. Even Whitey Bulger has his own moments to shine.

The World

The worldbuilding is wonderful on multiple levels.

First, Tom Kratman has to recreate the Boston that he loved so well, back in the day. He does it so vividly that he may be the best of the current authors who do this. After The Romanov Rescue and Dirty Water, I’d put Kratman up there with Bernard Cornwell and Georgette Heyer for the vivid recreation of historical settings. While the opening sequences read like a history and travelogue, Kratman’s recreation really shines once the family goes back in time.

Then there is the Q’riln, the monster of the piece. The Q’riln feed off of suffering and agony like a drug, travelling from one point of concentration to another. When there isn’t enough suffering, the Q’riln will create the circumstances for it. The Q’riln can shape-shift away from its real form, to whatever is necessary, even if it is to look like Kali in India to create the Thuggee. It’s a far better and efficient means of accomplish the same goal than, say, being a great interdimensional being, only to be stuck in Maine for centuries as a clown. As noted above, the Q’riln feels like a cross between the 80s film I Come in Peace and Pennywise the Clown.

Then there’s a twist within Q’riln society that’s just so brilliant, I wish I could go over it, but that’s a spoiler too far, and you’ll have to read it yourself.

Politics

As a historian, I view the politics presented in this book less as “politics” and more of a history lesson about long-term effects of policies from 60 years ago to the current day. It’s established history more than political bents.

Sure, Kratman has commentary on Massachusetts taxing people to death, but I’ve heard worse from people who live in or around the state. Eisen’s view on gun control is “you hit what you aim at,” but he’s also a veteran who has to tend with a cosmic horror from beyond the stars.

There are also some notes on gun laws that I’m sure are accurate (since Kratman is a lawyer) but I’m going to have to look up.

Content Warning

There is nothing that really stands out as far as nudity or language. Violence isn’t even gratuitous. There is a mention of sex, but nothing graphic: it is mentioned that it happened, but that’s it. I wouldn’t hesitate to give this to an early teenager — but keep in mind, I was in grammar school when I read The Once and Future King and Jurassic Park, so your mileage will vary.

Who is it for?

This is basically the best piece of Christmas action media since Die Hard.

Dirty Water has finally given us the Hallmark Christmas story we really want— with explosions, shootouts, and an alien that may as well be straight from Hell.

Why buy it?

Tom Kratman takes a walk down memory lane and turns it into Hogan's Alley, with Lovecraftian monsters and gang shootouts. What’s not to love?